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Here am the true stories of a drunken hillbilly we knowed as Pappy! GRAND-THEFT PAPPY

Everybody loves to boost a car now and then. When I were a kid, me and my Pappy used to go out early on Sunday mornings. We'd walk downtown and drink our cough syrup. That codeine sure hit the spot! After me and the old man was juiced, we'd stagger over to one of the used car lots and size up the merchandise. "Which s#@%box do you wanna steal?" he'd say. "Jesus," I'd say. "You're the parent! YOU decide!" So, we'd break into some crummy car and take it out for a spin. Pappy drove like Steve McQueen on methedrine. He was a drug-addled loony. Swerving all over the road. That wacky old bastard! "Slow down," I'd scream. "The car is gonna flip over!" "Shut up, Fictionboy," he'd say. "Me and Jack Kennedy was war heroes together in the Navy! If I get pulled over I'll get a full presidential pardon!" Man, those were the days. Joy riding all over the state in a stolen vehicle! Smashing into telephone poles and whatnot. Pappy were a beautiful person.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEEP INSIDE BECKY HECKLE

Living in the trailer park made Pappy hornier than a three-peckered billygoat. All them fine lookin' wimmens in their tight skirts and big-assed chestusts! It drove Pappy's Milk Bone up the wall. He used to walk 'round the trailer park wit no pants on, and sportin' a woody the size of a '72 Impala. And the ladies responded in kind, by invitin' Pappy into their trailers for the loud, screaming, wild-animal sex he told me he'd missed to much in prison. Pappy were especially sweet on Becky Heckle. She were beautiful and each of her boobies was the size of a pisspot. She were a bra buster, and Pappy couldn't keep his sperm rifle down when she strutted by. "When you gonna let me into yo' panties?" Pappy would call out to Becky. "When you starts wearin you some pants around outdoors," Becky said, with a laugh. Pappy nodded sadly. "Guess I ain't never gonna git inside Becky Heckle!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY GOES SHOP LIFTING

It was kinda shocking. Seeing the cops leading Pappy away in handcuffs, and all. I was used to them beating him unconscious, and then carrying him out, after a shoplifting attempt. So, it was like a novelty to see him leaving the department store under his own power. Down at the police station, Pappy were his usual dishonest self. If their were no reason to lie, well, Pappy would *find* one. And the cops knew Pappy all too well, I guess that's why they had him handcuffed to his chair. "I weren't doing nothin' wrong," Pappy said. "I just fo'got them Slim Jim meat snacks was still in my pocket. It weren't a case of me *stealing*!" He said "stealing" as if if were an unthinkable accusation. But the sad truth was: Pappy had been banned from every store in a fifty mile radius of our trailer park. No one *saw* Pappy take the Slim Jims, they just knew to call the police the minute he showed up. He cut quite a dashing figure with his overalls, no shirt, no shoes, and a big straw hat. He learned how to count to five by counting all the teeth in his mouth. He did this at age forty. After each cop in the squad room took turns giving Pappy a kick in the jimmies, they released him into my custody. I weren't not more than thirteen years old. I helped Pappy gimp home, and then we sat out on the front stoop drinking whisky from his still. "Awww, Jesus," Pappy said, after taking a slug of booze. "I think the dog pissed in the still again!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY WERE A COMPULSIVE LIAR

It dawned on me pretty early on. Pappy liked to lie. I mean, he actually *enjoyed* it. And it had a really bad effect on me. Because I am now what they call a compulsive bull#@%@er. I lie any time, man. So, of course, you're thinking. How do I know you ain't lyin' now, ya punk? Well...I aint! And if you accuse me of lying, I'll rip your heart out, and beat you to death with it. (I guess I showed *you*!)

I reckon some of the bestest lyin' Pappy did happened the time the Fuzz pulled us over, for drunk driving. Pappy was cocked, and I wasn't exactly in touch with reality, neither! So the damn flatfoot put on that funny blue light, and that squawky noise thing they use, and Pappy aimed the Pinto at the curb. He sorta miscalculated, I guess, because we kinda grazed a telephone pole. Boy, that copper was all upset. He told Pappy to get the hell out of the car.

"I mean, *pronto*, hillbilly," he bellowed at poor old Pappy. Pappy got out and then he fell down. The copper was standing over him shaking his head.

"It's my heart," Pappy gasped. "Get me to a hospital!"

Well, the pig almost crapped in his blue slacks. He threw Pappy in the back of the cop car and booted ass for the hospital. I watched them drive off, as though it was some emergency. As I was looking at the car, Pappy suddenly sat up and gave me the finger out the back window.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY'S BITCH

Pappy really loved her. The two of them had a bond that was more than friendship. It was a sexually-charged time bomb, and Pappy had his finger on the detonator.

"Git over here, bitch," he yelled at her. Courtney came barreling over. Giddy with the excitement that Pappy's affection brought out in her. That dog stunk like garbage. But Pappy didn't give a rat's ass! Courtney was *his* bitch, and she would gladly give him the puppies he so desperately wanted to sire. They lived in a station wagon for about a year. They couldn't keep their paws off each other. Pappy dreamed of having young'uns with people's faces, and dog's bodies.

"Me and my bitch, we gonna do it," he'd say with a wink. Sadly, Pappy's twisted dream came true one stormy night that November. A single malformed beast reared it's head from between it's mother's loins, as thunder clapped in the distance. It looked at Pappy and narrowed its eyes.

"I am the Hell Dog," It growled. "And you are the Devil." Pappy just laughed and ran off down the road. He had more demons to father with other bitches.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY'S MISTAKE

Pappy weren't one to admit when he'd made a mistake. And if you tried to tell him he done wrong, he'd give you a punch that'd leave ya spittin' out teeth and blood. I learned that the hard way, one steamy August night, when I was but a young sapling. Pappy and me was out drinkin' at the local tavern, McWilly's. I was probably twelve years old, but that didn't mean nothin' to Pappy. He needed someone to drink with him, so along I come to McWilly's. There was lots of mean adults in there. Tough, nasty, hard drinking thugs were crowded into the little brick-walled barroom. It weren't a place for a child. But pretty soon, Pappy was drunk and crazy and looking for a little homespun violence. He sucker punched a big, beefy marine over by the dart board. The marine just smiled and punched him back. Pappy went down like a big sack of horsepoop. The marine then kicked the bejesus out of Pappy as the crowd of degenerate loonies cheered him on! Afterwards, I was leading Pappy home cause his eyes was swelled shut. He was cussing like a sailor, and moaning like a bitch in heat. Finally, I got fed up with his self pity.

"It were all yer damn fault, Pappy," I sputtered. "Why'd you start a fight with that marine?!"

POW! I was on my ass from a crazy roundhouse left that Pappy fired at me instinctively. He stood over me, grinning, his blue gums drippin' with crimson blood.

"Did you say somethin', boy?" he asked. "I didn't think so."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY GOES TO EDEN

Pappy was the king of our trailer park. All the women swooned when he would walk around outside, with no pants on. At some point, he decided that he was through sleeping with dogs, and would concentrate on *human* females. When the Widow Travis and her daughter would go by he'd nod in approval.

"Them is fine-lookin' wimmens," he'd say. "I prefer bitches, but..." The Widow Travis weren't not more than thirty-five years in them days. And her daughter, Eden, was about sixteen. They was both built like them chicks you see in the Playboy and the Hustler. Long legs, huge blonde hair, and big-assed dirigibles in their tube tops. Pappy was about fifty at that time, so he knowed it would be wrong to come a-courtin' for Eden. The Widow Travis were the logical choice.

"I want that Eden," he snarled. "She am my kinda jailbait!"

Soon, Eden and Pappy was inseparable. Pappy would try to talk Eden into threesomes with a pregnant Irish Setter, but Eden refused with a demure batting of her false eyelashes. One day Eden, I noticed, were gone. I asked Pappy if he knowed where she were. Pappy smiled and nodded. I looked over and the Irish Setter and her puppies were chowing down on Eden's remains.

"Them young'uns needs plenty of meat," Pappy said with a wink.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY WERE MENTAL!

Pappy weren't stupid! He was a crazy son'bitch, though. I've been trying to keep this quiet, but I reckon the public needs to know the awful truth. You don't realize that things is weird when you're just a kid livin' in a trailer park. I thought it was perfectly normal that Pappy would run around outside without any pants on. Mrs. Krauss would come to the door in her curlers and bathrobe, and throw a pan of cold water on Pappy. Pappy would start cussin' and shiverin' like a wild animal.

"I ain't not no cracker," he'd yell at the flabby woman. We was what city folks called "Trailer Trash". That am a strange stigma fo' a young cat to come of age with. Anyway, a couple of trailers over lived the Bensons. Susie Benson was my age and I often tried to have my fun with her, but she beat my ass on a regular basis. Pappy would cheer her on while she was punching my ass around the trailer park. Some times I'd catch him peakin' at Susie, when she was taking a bath in her family's spittoon out front of the trailer. Pappy would rub himself and groan when he watched her. I want you to understand: We weren't no crackers!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY WEREN'T WEIRD

My Pappy weren't weird. He was just crazy. We all knowed it in the trailer park, and we loved him just the same. Our trailer were the mostest bad ass one on the lot. Pappy painted skulls all over the outside of it, and covered the inside with cool fake leopard skin. Pappy had a long-assed ponytail, and tattoos all over his scrawny arms. He had one tooth in his cootie-covered head. And when he smiled, his gums were blacker than tar. He were the handsomest man we ever seen! Becky Heckle were the apple of Pappy's glass eye. They used to sit in the dirt, in front of our trailer, and shave each other's armpits. It were a beautiful sight. Pappy knew his pits was squeaky clean, and that made him proud. Still, he managed to be the smelliest man we ever smelled. And Becky liked to sniff him 'til she passed out from the odor. I never knowed Mama. Pappy raised my ass all by hisself. Pappy used to say he took me away from Mama cause she was trash. But one night, Becky Heckle told me the truth: Mama ran off with a circus clown and broke Pappy's heart into a million-bilion pieces. And it occurred to me. Pappy weren't nearly as crazy as he pretended. And he were a good man.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SPRINGTIME FOR PAPPY

Pappy knowed he was at his horniest in the Spring. He'd walk around the trailer park with a big stiffy stickin' out. And, of course, no pants. The ladyfolk loved to make Pappy stiffer 'n stiffer. The Widow Travis and her teenage daughter Eden (before she was eaten by dogs) would take bubblebaths in the big spittoon together, to get Pappy to growin'. Them would soap each other up and wash each other off. Pappy would just look at 'em with his tongue hanging out. And his twig would be at critical mass! That's when Becky Heckle would strut by in her bikini, and grab Pappy by the spermgun. And she would hang on, and lead him back to her trailer, whilst the widow Travis and Eden cursed her and tried to splash her. Pappy and Becky Heckle done it every possible way in that trailer. One time he tried to get her to wear a blonde wig. She knowed immediately what was up.

"Go git Anna Nicole if you wants a blonde," she shouted. Pappy sighed and lit up a cigar.

"It were so much easier livin' with an Irish Setter," he mumbled.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY WEDS ANNA NICOLE

Pappy and Anna Nicole made an awful cute newlywed couple. But it made her mad that people was always askin' her if she was nine months pregnant. She were a big strappin', buxom woman wit blonde hair and huge fatty deposits in her bra. Pappy started to have him a wanderin' eye fo' the ladies after about a week of marriage. He got bored with Anna, and Becky Heckle were only too happy to oblige the studly hillbilly. I guess Pappy and Becky Heckle done pushed their luck too far when they decided to do it in Pappy's shower. Anna were snoring away on her foldaway cot, about five feet away. She woke up to go take a leak and wandered into the tiny bathroom. Anna stared at the fornicators in disbelief. Pappy just smiled that big toothless grin of his. Becky Heckle giggled, and demurely covered her privates with a towel.

"Ain't nothin' going on here, Anna," Pappy drawled. "Becky Heckle's shower am broke, so's I was showing her how to use our's."

It weren't a pretty thing that happened next. Anna grabbed the fire extinguisher and fired it at Pappy and Becky Heckle. They ended up in the hospital. But Pappy didn't mind at all, 'cause he liked the food and the young nurses.

"Who could ask for anything more?" he crowed. "Ladies sponging off my privates, and big assed Sloppy Joes!"

Anna moved back to Beverly Hills.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY NEEDS A BREAK TODAY

In the Spring of 1965, Pappy decided he was sick of hanging 'round the trailer park all the time, with his gulliver hangin' free.

"I needs to earn me a livin'," he declared. "I'm a macho bastard!"

Pappy marched right down to the McDonald's restaurant on main Street. He got all prettied up for the interview with his best black leather jacket and lotsa Vaseline in his hair. His cowboy boots had no toes, but they was all he had!! His jeans was so black and dirty, he reckoned they might look like dress slacks to the Mickey D's manager.

"I wants me a job as a chef," Pappy screamed at a teenage girl behind the counter of the hamburger joint. With a frightened look, she ran into the back of the restaurant to find the manager.

"Can I help you?" the manager said as he came upfront, eyeing Pappy suspiciously.

"You sure as hell can," Pappy crowed. "Gimme the Chef's job in this slaughter shack, boy!"

Pretty soon Pappy were grillin' up burgers like a fiend. The manager nodded in approval as Pappy flipped burgers like an old pro.

"I learned that trick over to Paris," Pappy said proudly. "But it weren't easy! Those punks don't speak English!"

Today Pappy is the CEO of the McDonald's Corporation.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY GOES TO HELL

Pappy looked mighty frail layin' there on the cot. We knowed he was minutes from departin' this earth. We was all gathered round: Becky Heckle, The Widow Travis, Goofer, me, Anna Nicole...

Anna was rocking back and forth as she sat looking at Pappy. At first, I thought she was edgy. Then I realized she could never sit right after Goofer had bitten that big chunk out of her huge butt.

Goofer were panting and sniffin' Anna's pits. Becky Heckle were holding a crucifix, and a wooden stake to drive through Pappy's heart. She reckoned he might be a vampire or somethin'...The Widow Travis were nervously clutching a copy of JUGGS magazine, which featured her late daughter Eden on the cover, with the caption "Almost Legal"... Then Pappy were gone. The wimmens started to cryin' and Goofer were howlin' like a damn werewolf...Suddenly, Pappy sat bolt upright.

"I been saved," he yelled. Everyone cheered and hugged the old coot.

"I been to Hell and back," he said, nodding and scratching his McNuggets.

"What were it like, Pappy?" I asked timidly. "Well, FictionBoy," he said. "It were very much like the Taco Bell down to the mall..."

Then Pappy turned and spit a big wad of chewing tobacky into Anna's mouth. She promptly began chewing it, with a smile.

"What? Pappy?" I asked, mystified.

"It were full of fat people cuttin' farts and talkin' loud. Weren't pretty."

"Glad you're back," Anna said with a smile.

Becky Heckle knocked her out with one punch. Pappy just laughed, and grabbed the Juggs magazine away from The Widow Travis.

---------------------------------------------------------------------- MAD COW PAPPY

That Spring were something else. Pappy would sit outside his trailer wearing his paper McDonald's hat, and McDonald's shirt with, of course, no pants on... Becky Heckle really dug Pappy's McDonald's duds.

"I *love* a man in uniform!" she cooed, as Pappy spit tobacky in the bucket.

"Yup," Pappy said. "even though I'm in uniform, ya can still see my winkle hangin' out."

Pappy thought he were a "Chef" at McDonald's even though he just flipped burgers. And when I tried to tell him otherwise, he got a trifle pissed.

"Shut yer pie hole," he wailed. "There am an art to making them burgers come out right! Ya gots to kill all da maggots in them!"

Then Pappy got a bad burger, and he became Mad Cow Pappy! The worstest episode was when he mistook Becky Heckle for a burger, and tried to throw her on top of his stove. Her dog, Goofer, got mighty angry with Pappy, and ate part of his free-swingin' peepee rod. Afterward, they all made up and Pappy, Becky Heckle, and Goofer had a threesome in Pappy's hospital bed.

"That dog am in love with me," Pappy said nodding at Goofer.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY'S VIXENS

Pappy didn't never paint his toenails again after Anna Nicole left. So's they was all long, and dirty, and yellow. Becky Heckle were concerned that Pappy might trip over his toenails and die. So's she called her friend, MoneeQ, who was a Dominatrix/Pedicurist to come force Pappy to gets his personal hygiene a-happenin'.

Pappy had been dreamin' of MoneeQ ever since she, and Becky Heckle, had kicked the snots out of him a few months back. Just imagine his surprise as he sat in the doorway of his trailer, legs dangling (and gulliver dangling) and the buxom wench approached him wearing only a tight, black leather miniskirt, and white pumps.

"Ain't you that kickass vixen?" Pappy said with a coy smile. MoneeQ smiled, and nodded. Then she stunned Pappy with a left uppercut, that knocked the ornery old codger into the dirt below.

"Aww, Jesus!"he whined, laying on the ground. "What'd I do now?!"

"We're gonna clean you up, you filthy animal," MoneeQ said reaching for Pappy's feet.

"Hey! You's gots a toe fetish fo' Pappy," Pappy howled happily.

"Shut up!" MoneeQ yelled, as she reached down and delivered a knockout punch to Pappy's ignorant noggin.

When Pappy awoke he was clean, and clothed, and his toenails weren't long no more. He was in his bed in the trailer. MoneeQ was sitting in Becky Heckle's lap, and they were both smiling at Pappy.

"Feel better?" Becky Heckle asked with a smile.

"I'll feel even better if you two has sexual relations right now!" Pappy crowed, as he undid his trousers.

In an instant, Pappy was on the floor, with MoneeQ and Becky Heckle kickin' hell out of him.

"Buxom wimmens hit hard," Pappy thought with a nasty chuckle.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAPPY vs MONEEQ

Pappy knowed he was goin' to Heaven when he died. He went out and bought a white suit, so he'd fit in when he got there. And he swore off booze, and wimmens, and Irish setters! That's when *she* strutted into his trailer park. She were a sultry, auburn-haired wildcat. Her big green eyes were dangerous like a cat's when it was ready to spring at its helpless prey. Pappy damn near swallowed his chewin' tobacky when she come up to him. Her burgundy lips spread into a sensous smile.

"Who am you?" Pappy asked, eyeing the voluptous vixen hugrily. "I am MoneeQ," she purred. "Kneel before me!"

Pappy broke out laughing in that hoarse way he had.

"You gotta be sh#@tin' me, Missy" he howled. MoneeQ gave Pappy a swift backhander that knocked him outta his rockin' chair. He looked up at her in disbelief.

"What dat fo'?"

"God sent me to beat your ass, Pappy," MoneeQ said flatly.

"Ain't I goin' to Heaven?" Pappy asked, looking skyward.

"On one condition," MoneeQ said.

"Anything!" Pappy blurted desperately.

"I am going to go take a shower with Becky Heckle," she said removing her clothes. "If you try to watch us, you will never go to Heaven."

MoneeQ walked up to Becky Heckle's trailer door wearing only her white pumps. Becky Heckle opened the door, looked at her. Becky Heckle smiled and took MoneeQ's hand and lead her inside, closing the door. Later, Pappy was on the ground being kicked by MoneeQ and Becky Heckle.

"You ain't gettin' to Heaven, scumbag!" MoneeQ cried.

Pappy smiled, knowing his sacrifice had been worth it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chris Parcellin
Boston, MA
United States

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